Why messy lives are normal
Time for that daily knock-me-down: Opening up my social media and being bombarded with curated images of perfect lives, advice and stories to fill my head with goals, things to do or buy, unmet needs I never knew I had, and a general feeling of inadequacy when my reality doesn’t meet those expectations. Out there, everyone looks like they’ve got their stuff together, they have all the answers and their lives are perfect.
Whilst I peer into my phone, my life around me is far from perfect. There’s emotional stuff happening, practical dilemmas, problems to solve, piles of washing everywhere, kids screaming, a hole in my sock, a clock with not enough time on it and limited dosh in my bank account. I’ve got 99 problems.
Whilst I’m sat there staring down the barrel of the perfect instagram life, if feels like I’m the only one - but what if everyone’s life is actually messy, and that’s ok?
We are bombarded by all these inputs, signs and adverts of the perfect life, and perfect = happy right? And when people ask how we are, what do we feel compelled to say? We say “All good / fine / great thanks”. But what is the reality?
In today’s world, it’s like it’s designed to encourage us to be perfectionists, and this leads to constant comparisons, anxiety and self criticism. We build a self-image we think we should be:
“I should look that good”
“I should buy that car”
“I should know how exactly to store strawberries in my fridge”
“My house should be that clean”
“I should be ok with this”
“I should follow those 10 easy steps to….”
“I should be able to cope”
Of course the cynic in me says of course - if we all felt totally fine the way we were, no-one would ever be able to sell us anything and the economy would collapse.
It’s like there’s no filter on the goal setting, the ambition and the expectations we set ourselves - and this drives a lot of vulnerability and anxiety when we can’t meet this sense of who we think we should be.
On the outside is one thing, but on the inside, is the ultimate common ground. We are human. We are sad, angry, jealous, ashamed, embarrassed, scared, confused, worried, hopeful, optimistic, ambitious…. all manner of things. We are led to believe we should feel only one thing all of the time - happiness. We link this to the self-image we have built - from all the outside shoulds.
The truth is that everyone, no-matter what they appear on the outside, feels this range of emotions, faces challenges, setbacks and emotional struggles.
Messy is universal.
Judgement doesn’t have to be.
When people come to therapy, it can be a huge relief. Finally, a space where you can be yourself, throw off the shackles of the shoulds, be honest about where you’re at and how you feel. And no-one will judge you. No-one will react, question, or criticise you. No-one will tell you what you should do, if you’re right or if you are wrong. No one will say “At least….” placate you or try to make you feel better - which can sometimes make you feel like you’ve been dismissed and your feelings diminished.
As a therapist….. I sit there. Ok that sounds a bit lazy and it’s more than that, but in a nutshell, that’s the job. I’m doing the work to be in your shoes, as close as I can be, with you in your world. To see things from your perspective.
It’s one crowded hour, that’s for sure - but it’s your hour and you are the only one in the room.
My role is to help clients to unpack themselves, to feel safe enough to be vulnerable. To find the strength and the courage to take off the armour, look at the “shoulds” for what they are, be truly listened to, work with the mess and accept things as they are.
Person-centred therapy is based on psychological equality - where therapist and client are equals and explore the client’s experience together. The therapist offers key conditions - unconditional positive regard, empathy and genuineness. This helps clients to trust their inner experience, find their own solutions and move forward in a way which best suits them - rather than any ideal imposed from the outside. By acknowledging and embracing imperfections, we can gain a greater sense of self-worth, confidence and resilience.
Ideas on how to start embracing your own “mess” [Please don’t make this another to do list of “shoulds”] :
Start listening out for your “shoulds” and your self critical thoughts. Ask yourself - what would you say if your friend said that about themselves in this situation?
Be compassionate - start being your own best friend and recognise that everyone struggles sometimes and offer the kindness you give to others - to yourself.
Challenge the myth of perfection. Notice when you are comparing yourself to someone else’s highlight reel.
Stop saying “I’m fine” if you’re not. And if you have to say it, that’s ok too. You don’t have to be happy all the time. Happiness is not a permanent destination. It’s a temporary state, and so are the other emotions. Allow yourself to feel how you feel without the need to bat it back or fix it immediately.
Share how you feel with trusted others to break the habit of pretending everything is fine. This can often lead to deeper connection and realising you’re not alone.
Note your messy victories - the times you coped, adapted or managed through a tough day, as well as also giving permission for disasters, off days, and mess that’s still a mess.
Ask yourself what do you need right now? Add in smaller bits of self care that are less challenging to achieve - use the posh mug, play your favourite song, have a good kip.
We are all human beings. And this blog post ain’t perfect either - so feel free to ignore it, shut down your phone and embrace the messy life, just as it is.